searching
by Synesthesiae
Summary: (post-R2) an insight into C.C.'s thoughts on the endless existence while still searching for him, or at least a fragment of him.


Disclaimer: I don't own Code Geass.

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How many years had it been?

How many centuries had passed?

How many corpses had she walked on?

How many people had she met?

And how many lovers had she had?

Too many too count, too many to keep track of.

Too many painful, joyous memories for her to stow into her treasured gallery of memories.

Too many for her to care…

However, there's this one thing that she knew, that she was certain of. The reason why she was still walking on her feet, why she was still going forward, why she was still making contracts.

It was to meet someone like _him_.

Someone who could have made her smile and forget her pasts for even just a split second. She didn't ask for much. Just someone who would listen to her stories, who could touch her heart like _he_ did…

So far, no luck.

She was still in search of him, of a resemblance to him. So far, her efforts were fruitless because he was one of a kind. How could she expect to find two people who shared the same personalities? People are not drops of water; they can never be identical.

She didn't care if he wasn't as good looking as _he_ was. After all these long, long and long years of searching and travelling, she came to realize she didn't care about appearances anymore. She just wanted someone to give her warmth and comfort at night like _he_ did.

_C.C… You're so naïve. For an immortal witch, you sure know little about life. _A voice was saying in her head. _How can you possible expect someone like him to just pop up? You're so naïve… He's gone, just like many others, with the merciless flow of time. Why are you still stuck on him anyway? It's already been too long..._

She had realized this a long time ago; she just couldn't bring herself to make peace with it. Ever since the Zero Requiem, she knew she was destined to be lonely forever. She could have lied with her lover in his bed with his arms wrapped around her and his soft, whispered words in her ears, but she would still feel lonely, shallow, empty, and emotionless. Like an empty shell on the beach. The waves were there but what could an empty shell do? It couldn't even reach the waters.

Presents, flowers, kisses, touches, tingling sensations... All were meaningless because they could never penetrate the icy walls around her heart like _his_ words had. Yes, his words alone…

After so long, the truth hit her hard in the face and forced her to make peace with it.

She was in love with him. She had always been in love with him. That's why she was still in search of him, of someone like him.

_C.C… You're so naïve… Wake up already._

She regretted not telling him how she felt. But then, what good would that do? She had pleaded with him to stop the Zero Requiem; that was her way of confessing (strange, huh? But this was C.C., a woman who loved beating around the bush when it came to expressing feelings; a die-hard habit, she supposed). She often wondered if she had only confessed that she liked him more than an accomplice, would he stop his plans? Maybe, maybe not. He was a stubborn and unpredictable boy. There was no telling what he would do. (_That's what you love about him, right? Geez…)_

He could have loved her back. He couldn't have loved her back, even though she knew he would lie and say he loved her because of a promise. For what though? To fulfill her wish? To let her go in happiness? He was the type that lied to live. His life was surrounded by lies, lies, lies (too many to count) so maybe his confession would have been a lie, too.

Or maybe his confession would have been the only truth he'd ever uttered.

Then again, she would never know.

She would never meet him again, she knew. _You know so stop your futile search already… _No, she wouldn't. Even though he was but a distant memory after so many centuries, she was still searching for him, for a fragment of him that he might have possibly left in this world.

So far, it was fruitless but she wasn't the type to give up. No, she would go on searching and searching until the earth was no more.

Because she was in love with him.

Because she had always been in love with him.


End file.
